We all have it, had it, need it
by unfinished4now99
Summary: Prompt- Nathan is found cutting in the bathroom Originally written on my tumblr at unfinished4now99.
1. Chapter 1

Self hate is such a strange thing…. it literally kills you. Slowly though. It is like torture. Your thoughts are unhealthy and cruel and the more people talk nasty about you it feels like a snap to the heart. We react in different ways… some people turn to substance abuse like, alcohol, drugs and smoking. Some people try to ignore it… drown out the feeling with music, writing, or books. You get what I mean… we all cope SOMEHOW…. sometimes in bad ways.

One of the bad ways is self harming…. People self harm for many reasons…. to be punished, to feel Something, to release anger…. sometimes we don't even know _why _we do it…. we just… do it. and sadly…. That is how Nathan Sykes coped.

The hate on twitter was one reason…. The power of social media is horrible… people think they can post whatever the flip they want without any sort of punishment. So that is how Nathan found himself scrolling through hundreds of hate messages.

_Kill yourself Nathan!_

_The band would be better with out you!_

_You are SO fat and ugly!_

_Wimpy Nathan!_ (A.N./ I do not think this of Nathan…. he is Perf 3)

Another was the piling stress of the band…. always on tour, never getting to go home, not much sleep, the pressure to get a new song, Etc. It was building up and making him want to just… break.

Another was sadly, the death of his little sister Jess. She was hit head on by a drunk driver when Jess was in the car with some friends. That was enough to break anybody….

And it all built up. Nathan felt worthless and sick all the time. He was moving around like a zombie feeling nothing. So, that is why he started cutting. To feel something. Even pain.

Some things are easy to hide…. But cutting is like cutting your hair…. even slightly. Somebody is bound to notice. I mean you can't be off by yourself, wear sleeves, and fake smile all the time without anybody noticing.

So, one day Nathan was putting bread up in the cabinets and his sleeves rolled down a bit revealing two brand new cuts, in full view for Tom to see. He didn't say anything, but rushed to the other boys rooms to tell them of his discovery.

Tom knocked on Siva's door first. Siva opened up looking confused and taking in Tom's worried expression.

"Tom are you okay?"

"Yes, but little Nath is not." Tom said sadly.

"What's going on?"

"Meet me in my room. I'll get the others okay?"

"Okay." Siva said his voice full of worry. He walked quietly into Tom's room wondering what on earth could be wrong.

Next Tom went to Max's room and knocked. Max opened and said, "What mate?"

"Meet me in my room Kay?"

"Alright." Max said frowning in confusion, but walked into Tom's room taking a seat on his bed.

Lest Tom went to Jay. Jay opened his room door and said, "Hey mate, what's up?"

"Come with me to my room." Tom said. Jay nodded and walked with him into his room.

"What is this about Tom?" Siva asked worriedly.

"I think… I think Nath is cutting." Tom said slowly.

"What!?" They cried in unison.

"He had cuts on his arms…." Cue sad silence.

Finally Max spoke up, "What do we do?"

"We… could steer him away from sharp objects…. not let him alone often…" Jay said.

"Yeah, like hide his razors, put the knives in the open, hide scissors… Not let him stay home alone. Stuff like that." Tom said.

"So… it's a plan." Siva said.

"Yup." The rest agreed.

The next few days went well, for Siva, Jay, Tom and Max at least. Nathan was struggling. His razors disappeared strangely… All of the scissors were gone, Knives were always out in the open and he was never left alone…. Which made it impossible to cut. Nathan felt like he needed to cut. He wanted to…. So bad. So one day he snuck quietly into Max's bathroom and looking beneath his sink and there they were… Razors.

Nathan picked up the package and slid only one out… Just one. He put it in his pocket and put away the package. He slid out of Max's bathroom and practically ran into his own room.

"I'm taking a shower!" He called down to the boys. They responded with "Okay" and a few sarcastic "Have fun!"

He entered his bathroom and closed the door, forgetting to lock it. He broke the blades off the razor and pulled them out and brought them to his skin. Nathan made cut, after cut after cut. Little did he know, this would be the way he would be found by four certain boys.

Downstairs Max decided to go to his room. He walked upstairs and looked under his sink for a towel to take a shower, but he noticed something was not right… His razors were messed with. He felt his heart drop and he counted them. Four…. He bought a six pack and he only used one.

He ran out of his room and called downstairs "Boys! Tom! Siva! Jay! Up here please!" They came running up.

"What is it?" Tom asked.

"Nathan took a razor… or was it one of you lot?" He said

"No… we didn't." Tom said earning nods from the others. Realization smacked them all in the face and they ran into Nathan's room and knocked on his bathroom door.

Nathan felt his stomach drop and Tom twisted the doorknob and opened showing a frightened Nathan gripping a razor, dripping blood. Seven new deep cuts on his skin. Max bolted forward and grabbed the razor, Siva grabbed a towel and pressed it to his arms and Tom and Jay helped clean up the blood on the floor.

Nathan tried to jerk his arm away, but Siva was strong and firm. "Calm down Nath, we just want to help." Jay said gently.

Nathan felt tears pricking his eyes. How did it get this bad? Why was he so messed up in the head that he was CUTTING!?

"I-I'm so sorry guys…"

"it is alright Nathan…. We knew." Max said.

"How?"

"I saw the cuts on Ya arms Nathan…. not all to easy to hide."

"I'm… I'm so sorry."

"No Nath, we are sorry. We should have noticed sooner." Siva said.

Nathan sighed sadly. "Why did you not confront me about it?"

"Because you would push us away…" Jay said.

And then Nathan broke down. He began sobbing. The boys pulled him in a group hug.

"It's okay Nath! We are going to help you get better." Jay said

And they did. It took almost a year… It was hard, but now Nathan is proud to say he is 6 months clean of the cutting.

A.N./ I had this prompt sitting in my drafts and finally I wrote it! ^^


	2. Chapter 2

Prompt- Can you do a part 2 to We all have it had it need it? Like, Nathan relapses or almost relapses? Recovery from self harm is hard. It's painful and rough, almost like withdrawing from a drug. Especially when you become addicted to it. Nathan was slightly grateful for the fact the rest were going to help him stop, but he also didn't want to. So that very night, when he thought everybody was asleep, he found himself slipping quietly into the bathroom looking for his razors, scissors or… SOMETHING to make him bleed. Nothing. He found nothing. He ran a frustrated hand through his hair and looked some more. He gave up and was going to go down stairs to look, but when he opened the door Jay stood there with his arms crossed. Nathan jumped back a little, but tried to put on a neutral expression. "Nathan… what are you doing?" Jay's voice said quietly. "Going to the bathroom." he whispered. Jay's expression showed that he clearly did not believe Nathan. "Right… Let's go back to bed then eh?" "Ya." Nathan said and Jay grasped Nathans wrist to lead him back and Nathan winced slightly from the pain. "Sorry." Jay muttered. Nathan quickly ran into his bed and Jay went back to his room running a hand through his hair. He knew exactly why Nathan was in that bathroom. Nathan lay down on his bed and felt tears building up, because he couldn't even punish himself for being such a stinking failure. he couldn't do what he really needed to do… He just couldn't. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The boys had made a fool proof plan… or so it seemed. All things that Nathan could use to hurt himself locked away in a cabinet along with antiseptics and bandages, so if he cut himself he would have to come straight to them. They checked his wrists and legs every night… not all of them of course, but one person would. He wasn't alone… almost never. Somebody was with him almost 24/7. Nathan hated it. Just because the blades go away, doesn't mean the urge does. Nathan's hand itched to just slice through his skin…. just tear away everything. Just make a new scar to remind him how awful he is. Remind him that he didn't deserve to live. The way he was feeling was tearing him apart. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Gotta dollar?" "Jay… Never mind." Nathan grumbled digging in his pockets and tossing Jay a dollar, who handed him Nathan's phone back. "Thank you." Jay said sticking his tongue out. Nathan rolled his eyes and his phone started ringing. "Give me a minute." he said walking away and answering the phone. "Hello?" He said. "Is this Nathan Sykes?" A female voice asked. "Ya… Can I help you?" "Go kill yourself you worthless stupid pathetic dirt bag. You are Un wanted. Get out of the band. Goodbye." And then she hung up. Nathan stood in shock. His phone almost dropped from his hands. Never had anybody CALLED him to say how worthless he is. How… why? Tears filled his eyes and he ran to the door. "I'm going our real quick." Nathan called to Jay and he yelled back a quick "Alright." Not suspecting anything. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nathan made his way to the small store just a couple miles away. He walked… yes, walked to the store and it was almost dark by time he got there. He entered the store thinking about that phone call. That was what prompted him to buy that pack of razor blades. He went outside and slid the package in his pocket and tore the receipt to shreds and threw it away in a garbage can. He walked back to the flat and when he got there was met by 5 very worried boys. "Nathan where on earth were you?" Jay asked his voice high in a panic and slightly angered. "I said-" "That you would go out REAL QUICK Mate, 4 hours is not real quick." Jay said. Had it really been 5 hours…? "I'm sorry I lost track of time…" Nathan said trailing off. "Never… NEVER do that again… at least text us next time." Max said. "Forgot my phone." Nathan said sheepishly. Tom sighed. "At least your okay. We were worried." Tom said. Where they really?, he thought. "I'm sorry." He said and was soon pulled in a hug from Jay. "It's okay, just don't scare us like that again." Nathan nodded. "I'm going to go to bed." Nathan said starting up the stairs. he quickly ran into his bedroom hiding the razors and changing just in time for Siva to come in and open the door. Siva checked him over quickly and then Nathan was left alone. He layed down on his bed thinking. His mind trailed back to the phone call. He must have really been a bad person if somebody was willing to CALL him. He pressed his face into his pillow and tears slid from his eyes. He slid out of bed and quietly made his way to the hiding spot of the razors. He pulled them out and sat back on his bed. He flipped the metal blade between his hand s and looked it over. So sharp… so evil. He slid down his shirt sleeve and pressed the blade to his wrist right on top of a vein. What was stopping him from ending it all? What was keeping him from just stealing away his life? Nothing. Nobody. Nobody cared- wait. That wasn't true. Nathan knew it in his heart that 4 certain boys cared WAY more then 2 cents. What would they do if they found his dead body in the morning? He imagined them all breaking down. He imagined the band breaking apart. He imagined Tom at his gravestone yelling at him then breaking down in tears.. He imagined Jay trying to drink it away… but it wouldn't go away. The pain of loosing a friend- no brother would be un bearable. He imagined Siva silently staring at Nathan's old room. He imagined his eyes empty and full of pain, wondering if maybe it was his fault his little brother died. He imagined Max breaking down and sobbing. He imagined his anger at himself for not being there… not noticing. And in that moment, he knew he couldn't do it. Even though he very much wanted to. All he wanted to do right now was just slash through the pale white skin then into blue lines ending it for good. That's why he needed help. Tears slid down his cheeks and he threw the razor across the room. It hit the wall, it's sound bouncing and pressing into Nathan's ears. Nathan slid out of bed. Tom would be ticked he woke him up. Jay would too. Siva and Max as well… or would they? Thoughts entered war in his mind as he paced. Faster and faster till he felt ready to blow up. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. Do it. Don't. He couldn't! No! Nathan found himself bursting into Tom's room. his breathing was uneven as he slowed down and made his way to where Tom was sleeping. He needed help or he knew he would do it. He needed to talk to somebody. he voice was shaky as he shook Tom's shoulder. "Tom?" He voice trailed off in a whisper. Tom's eyes snapped open and he was startled by the site of Nathan sitting on his knees next to him. He was confused. What happened? "Nathan? What are you doing?" He asked shifting so he was sitting next to him. He blinked the sleep from his eyes trying to focus. "I'm sorry for waking you up…" Nathan said slowly. "It's okay, just tell me what's up." Nathan fiddled with his fingers gulping. Was this really a good idea? He could barely stop himself as he spoke. "I got a phone call last night… A girl called and told me a bunch of… stuff. She also told me too kill myself…" His voice sped up with the last words. "I'm scared I'm going to kill myself Tom. I want to so bad right now." Tears were slipping down Nathan's cheeks. Tom was fully awake now. His heart was broken. His little brother, best friend, and band mate truly wanted to die. RIGHT NOW. Tom was quick to bring the boy in a hug. "It'll be alright Nathan. I'm not going to let you do that." he said, his voice unusually soft. He felt Nathan's body shaking with sobs and he felt his shoulder grow wet, but he didn't care. As long as Nathan was safe… as long as Nathan wasn't dead he didn't mind. He didn't care that it was in the middle of the night. He didn't care that Nathan had woken him up. He was so glad… so very, very, very glad Nathan was safe. "How were you gonna do it?" Tom asked softly holding the boy tightly, for fear he would be gone in an instant, a flash or a bolt. "I… I bought a pack of razor blades." Nathan whispered his voice small. "I'm so sorry." "Don't be. We all love you mate. You are not hurting yourself on our watch." Tom said ruffling Nathans hair. "Thanks Tom." Nathan mumbled hugging Tom tightly. "You're welcome mate." Tom said. "Try to get some sleep. Where are they? The razors?" Tom said slipping out of the bed. "In my dresser drawer… top one. Another one is on the floor opposite of my bed." Nathan said. Tom nodded and made his way to Nathan's room. "Tom mate, what are you doing up?" Max asked his head poking out of his door. Tom explained what had happened and Max nodded sadly. They both went into Nathan's room and took the razors. Tom crushed each and every vile blade and threw them away. Every last one. Tom went back into his room and saw Nathan sleeping peacefully (At last) On the bed. Tom went back to bed as well. Tired, but glad he could help his little brother when he needed it. And Nathan sure needed it. But he was going to be okay. Because they all were going to be there for him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


End file.
